welcome to my world
The rehearsals for the play are progressing pretty well. Thus far we’ve been rehearsing in chunks. The main character is on stage for the entire duration of the piece so I think it’s partly been to keep his early workload down to a minimum that he’s been doing work with the different people who share his scenes separately. As of Thursday we’re into full rehearsals. Then on Saturday we’ve got a complete day of tech rehearsals and a press preview performance in the evening.
I have to admit to being exhausted when I’m not in rehearsal. So much so that my bed and the rehearsal studio are almost the only locations I can be found at present. So long as I have the energy for my scenes this won’t be a problem. Indeed, the rehearsals go on much longer than the play itself at present so if anything the actual run will require less energy and effort from my tired little body. As the days have gone on I feel I have come to know my character better. Reading between the lines, he’s dumber than I originally realised. Not an idiot as such, just not too quick on the uptake. In a sense he’s there as something of an attempt at light relief as well as for exposition so I am being encouraged to make him bigger, louder and sillier than I was playing him. This is a good thing as I doubt my ability to get across too many subtle characteristics when this is my first role in seven years.
Performances proper start tomorrow week and hopefully the press preview will tell us where, if anywhere, we need to tinker with things. I am still rather excited and looking forward to being able to look back on this as one of the many new things I found energy and enthusiasm to achieve this year.
The week ahead will be quite busy. One of the things I wanted 2012 to be about was saying “Yes” to things more often. Recent years have necessarily involved a fair bit of saying “No” on account of health. But I am fed up with feeling defined by illness and am trying to accept a few more of the challenges and opportunities life sends my way.
It’s not a grand attempt at living out some crazy ‘Yes Man’ scenario, just a desire to rack up a few more experiences to be proud of, to feel enriched by as I stagger towards the end of my forties over the next few years.
My gig last month was the first of the things I said “Yes” to and as of Tuesday I start work properly on the second. I have accepted a small part in a play to be staged at the local arts centre at the beginning of February. Tuesday sees my first formal rehearsal, although last Friday I was involved in preliminary blocking for some of the scenes.
I haven’t acted for seven years and the guy taking the main role is clearly a strong talent so I was a little daunted Friday night. But as long as I learn my lines, give what is needed for my character and pull together with the cast and crew I know I’ll be proud to have uttered a few lines onstage once more.
The play is The Woodsman, by Stephen Fechter. It’s a weighty piece about the possibility of personal redemption and the pull of temptation to fall back into old habits. But there are some great moments of sarcastic, dark humour too so it’s not heavy to my mind. It may divide audiences but that’s a good thing I think. If you want easily digested, non controversial entertainment watch Saturday afternoon tv or watch a musical. Theatre should be provocative as well as entertaining. Hmm, get me, a few lines in a local production and I am already sounding like a luvvie. I’d better get back to my dressing room and check they’ve taken all the red smarties put of my rider.
I’m no country dweller. I mistakenly imagined I could be a couple of years ago but twelve months in the back of beyond, cut off from people and exposed to the elements (oh the cold and the snow!) taught me better. And six months back in my little city have confirmed what I’d already worked out: I’m an urbanite and happy to be such.
I miss some things, of course, but they can be found in the city albeit in less abundance. Birdsong is a more rarified treat but times like today when I am awake at half-five I can enjoy a melodic dawn chorus echoing around the brickwork and only occasionally interrupted by equally early-bird humans driving to work.
Yesterday I even managed a close encounter with a very cute robin who hopped between my feet as I sat outside a coffee house. He was after the crumbs from my blackberry muffin and returned twice more to make sure he made the most of my messy eating habits.
Later today I am heading down towards the quay where there is usually a vast (insert correct collective noun) of swans. Their bright white feathers reflect the winter sun and create the illusion of warmth when you are close enough. It’s a pity that they are always accompanied by screeching gulls who are more aggressive in their search for titbits and, it must be said, less beautiful to behold.
Wild, wild life even in the midst of my city. Just one more reason I feel at home.
Ten days in to the shiny new year is often when folk find their resolve for the resolutions they made on January 1st is waning. Not everyone, some find the symbolism of the start of a new year the perfect time to kick old habits or adopt new ones. But for me the beginning of the year has rarely been a date associated with successful eradication of bad habits.
I tend to feel that if i am ready to leave a certain behaviourism behind then the date is irrelevant, the desire to change is the key at any time of year. When I quit smoking nearly seven and a half years ago it was in the middle of September. Not quite an arbitrary date as I gave up on the day I began my PhD. Looking back this seems an insane idea, to try to stop smoking on the very day I embarked on the toughest academic challenge of my life, one which brought teaching and intensive study into my life and might therefore have seen me smoking more cigarettes a day if I’d kept the habit up. Maybe that’s what I was worried about. I already smoked way too many a day.
I was successful and have never smoked another cigarette in all that time. I do not consider myself a non-smoker, just a smoker who has controlled his addiction for seven and a half years. It’s the only way I know how to ignore those occasionally still loud voices at the back of my head telling me it would be ok if I just had a cigarette now and then, when I really feel like one. I do still have cravings, which is why this voice can be heard. But I also know that one cigarette will lead to a whole lot more. I cannot smoke one and then not want another for a year or so. I enjoyed smoking, unlike all those who say they hated the habit before giving up. I miss it. I never hated it, only ever hated the effect it has had on the fragile health of my already struggling lungs. That is why I won’t smoke again but it is a battle I have to regularly remind myself of, can never relax about.
This year there are far less dramatic or dangerous changes I might wish to make. I no longer want to be married but that’s not so much a resolution as a letting go of the past. I’m eating less red meat but that has been a gradual change over the past six months anyway. I crave fish a lot more. Bad news for fish but quite good news for my body. I’m writing more and hope to continue that trend. I want to spend more happy times in the company of good friends and perhaps to finally get round to that trip to Paris I’ve been promising myself for something like 25 years.
These are not resolutions, they are just aims. Perhaps it is unavoidable that we consider changes as the year turns but I am very much focused on slow transformation rather than on sudden and potentially equally reversible habit-curbing. If my life were a desert I might want to water it but it is not. It is a city garden full of colours and hidden delights. If I need to resolve anything it should be to appreciate the garden of my life as often as I possibly can.
2012 has begun pretty well so far. On Monday I went to collect a prize: a local cafe ran a Facebook caption competition in late December and I won! My reward was a free meal so I indulged myself in a good old fry-up.
I then went to my usual haunt and used my full loyalty card to treat myself to a free caramel steamer. Not great if you are lactose intolerant but fortunately for me milk is friendly to my body and I love them as an occasional indulgence.
I also used that coffee house’s free wifi to download the Dr Who Christmas special onto my laptop as I hadn’t yet seen it. I didn’t have my charger with me but fortunately the battery power was still high enough for the task.
Back home I turned the heating on full and watched the Doctor career through an episode which was fun but a little weak compared to previous specials. Still it completed my day of free treats and left me feeling like 2012 is already shaping up to be my year.
